Moments
by xoxoxo
Summary: C'mon. Do I really need to tell you? Who else would I be writing about? Don't know how long it will be...yet.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to The Office – except the Season 1 DVD.**

_A/N: Here we go again. I'll have you know I'm completely out of my mind. I put back the Baked Lays I was going to have with my sandwich yesterday in favor of French Onion Sun Chips. I told myself the only reason why is just because I like them better._

_LIAR. Because I was thisclose from trading in my turkey and cheddar for a ham and swiss._

_I'm scared people. It's bordering on certifiable._

_Oh well. I know I'm not alone. At least I keep telling myself that. ;)_

**Moments**

She heard herself saying the words and knew she was a liar.

"_I'm really sorry…if you…misinterpreted things…"_

If she was being honest she'd admit had started a long time ago.

A year after she started working there she had shown him her portfolio. There was dust clinging to the creases in the imitation leather and the zipper caught a bit when she opened it.

When she did and nervously let him flip through it, his reaction was nothing short of…amazing.

"_These are incredible." He whispers as she sits across from him, nibbling on her nails nervously._

"_Thanks." She blushes._

"_I mean…really, **really**, good." He insists._

"_Thanks." She says again her heart beating a bit faster._

_He looks up and squints his eyes as he gazes at her. "What are you doing here again?"_

_She keeps her eyes on his before she answers. "Keeping you from dying from boredom."_

"_Oh yeah." He laughs. "Keep up the good work."_

Without even thinking about it, she bought him jellybeans, because he'd mentioned once that he loved Easter because of the candy.

She experimented with many kinds and realized that he liked the gourmet ones the best.

In the back of her mind, she kept waiting for Roy to notice. But just like the fact that sometimes he didn't notice her standing right next to him, he didn't seem to notice at all.

It was like she lived two separate lives, one at home, and one at work, one with Roy, and one with Jim.

Her life at home was comfortable. It was predictable, it was…safe. They had dinner every Sunday with Roy's family and she's been going for so long it seemed weird when something came up and wound up someplace else instead.

Roy and his brothers would watch football, or…hockey…or baseball and she'd sit with his mom and his sisters-in-law and it was…nice.

And most days, it was enough.

No one could say being a receptionist was exciting. Well – maybe if she was a receptionist for a record company or a television studio or a magazine. But being a receptionist for a mid-size paper company really was far from thrilling.

Unless…

"_How many things have you taken already?" She giggles._

_He gives her a scolding look. "Pam. How many times do I have to tell you? Speak in code."_

"_I'm sorry." She gives him a look of extreme remorse. "Have there been any new acquisitions to your collection?"_

"_Beesly what is wrong with you? That's supposed to be code?" He looks at her blankly. "Have you learned nothing?"_

_She rolls her eyes. "Give it up, 007 – c'mon what's going on?"_

"_Steve will be here in an hour. I'm going to wait for Dwight to leave and then…" He gives her a grin. "Oh my God. I cannot wait to see the look on his face." _

"_I'm going to buy the pencil cup I think." She says trying to keep her laughter at bay._

_He knew he could count on her. "Excellent choice." He whispers as he grabs a few jellybeans and heads back to his desk._

More and more often, when it was quiet and she was sitting alone at home, when Roy was out with the guys and her friends were all busy and had moved away and there was really no one else to call up on a Friday night she'd think of him and wonder where he was or who he was with.

Sometimes she'd had enough of Roy. Sometimes she couldn't take the fact that it was so easy for him to leave and think she'd follow blindly. It made her so angry she goes back inside, back to…Jim.

"_I think those might be empty." He says as he gives her a look._

_She begins to giggle, nearly uncontrollably, "No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"_

_He twists his mouth and stares at her. "Second drink?"_

She was drunk, that's all. She shakes it off later. Drunk and annoyed with Roy. And that's why she kissed him.

That's why…

_Save me Jim. Stop me. I **dare** you…_

On the cruise for a second she wonders what life could be like, if she and Katy switch places. Because she knows that she's never sat at the cool table in her life.

And neither had Jim.

She has a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she'll never get married and for years she'll just sit there watching Roy relive every moment of the years that have passed him by. It makes her cringe watching him.

"_Snorkel shots! Snorkel shots!"_

And she goes to get her coat because he's got an audience already.

Katy's there, cheering him on.

As she stands outside with Jim the voice that she's been trying to squash for months, or maybe it's been years, gets louder.

_Save me, Jim. Stop me. I **dare** you…_

It keeps rising. Every time she picks up the phone to make plans she swears she feels his eyes on her. And when he tells her, awkwardly about the so called "former crush" he had on her she thinks this might be it.

_Save me Jim. Stop me. I **dare **you…_

But he laughs it off and insists it's a thing of the past and that night Roy looks like he might really be interested in her choice of centerpiece and she's so used to just taking scraps from him that it's more than enough.

One day she knows that it's hopeless. He's not going to save her. He's leaving for Australia, two days before she gets married.

And she almost recognizes the ache in her chest but she shrugs it off as mere disappointment.

Her life is comfortable, reliable, normal. She's not all that complicated. It was enough for most people. It will be enough for her.

She hopes so…

She walks beside him and watches him buy fabric softener and she thinks,  
"_This is what it could be like, if we actually went places together, if we actually were together_…"

He holds her arm gently and keeps her steady as they skate around the rink. If she actually stops to think she'd realize that that's what he's been doing all along. He's been keeping her steady, enabling her to move on, because if not for him she'd have wasted away a long time ago.

But even with that he surprises her, by complaining to Toby about how often she makes calls to plan the big day. And in the back of her mind she knows what that means. He's not so over her after all.

_Save me Jim. Stop me. I **dare **you…_

It's getting close now, just a few weeks away.

She takes his money at poker. Roy leaves her yet again but she really doesn't mind. She's happy, she's wearing a new dress and the air is warm and he looks like he's got something to say.

"_I'm in love with you…"_

The ground shifts beneath her feet.

"_I'm really sorry, if that's weird for you to hear but I needed you to…hear it."_

The world spins.

She panics. It was not how she pictured it. She thought he was going to say let's go back inside, double or nothing.

Instead there are bigger chances to take.

She babbles and tells him in essence, he's crazy. He doesn't want to hear it. She watches him cry…she's made him…cry and she knows what that ache in her chest is now.

She can't be angry, or even surprised. He's just doing what she's been begging him to do all along.

And when she sees him walk into the office, with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets. She opens her mouth to stop him.

"_Listen Jim…"_

But it seems he's done listening. He kisses her breathless and as he does only one thought flies through her mind.

_Save me Jim. Stop me. _

_I **dare** you…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

He hears himself saying the words and he knows he's a liar.

"_I just needed you to know…once…"_

If once was enough he wouldn't have tried so many times before to say it. Try to make her feel it. But he kept holding back because he wasn't that type of guy.

He wasn't the guy you couldn't trust with your girlfriend. That wasn't him.

But when he blatantly saw how another guy treated his girlfriend so carelessly, Jim couldn't help but think he sort of deserved it. It doesn't even seem like he cares at all.

"_Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam." Roy says, completely oblivious to the fact that she's sitting beside him._

_The look on her face makes his heart hurt. "We're not dating, we're engaged."_

When he thinks back to why he ever went out with Katy if he's being honest he'd admit that part of it was because Roy had expressed interest. It only seemed fair. Roy was the one person who had something he himself wanted. It stood to reason that maybe a part of him wanted to have something over him for once.

He knew he was a sucker. It didn't take long for him to fall head over heels. She laughed once and one day he woke up and he realized he liked the sound. Suddenly he found himself trying anything he could to make her laugh again.

_C'mom Pam. Want something else. Want something **more**…_

There was a smile she got sometimes, and he liked to think the smile was meant for him and him alone. He wasn't entirely convinced that it wasn't.

"_JIM." She says, trying to suppress her laughter. "You **have** to see what Dwight is wearing today."_

_He turns around in his chair and watches as Dwight hangs up his raincoat. "No." He shakes his head._

"_YES." Her eyes fly open wide. _

"_Dwight." Jim nods his head and bites his lip as he swivels in his chair. "Where have you been this morning? You've got work to do don't you?"_

"_I do more before 6 am than you do in a day." He answers curtly trying to look as authoritative as one **can** look wearing lederhosen._

_Pam has toplace a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling._

"_Have you joined the army? Because…if that's the case…I think you are out of uniform."_

_Giving Jim a disgusted look he pulls out his chair and sinks into it. _

"_Hey, Dwight? Tell me something. Are the hills alive…with the sound of music?"_

And with that she laughs. And when she laughs…there's nothing else.

She could really make a living simply drawing. He's no art critic but even to his untrained eye he knows she's got talent. And when he sees her waste it, when he sees Roy holding her back, holding her down – it's sometimes more than he can take.

"_I'm fine with my choices."_

He knows her. He knows her so well. She's not fine. He knows she's not.

_C'mom Pam. Want something else. Want something **more**…_

He can tell when he looks at her first thing in the morning. She doesn't usually say it but he's pretty sure when she looks like that Roy hasn't been home. And he doesn't understand why she puts up with it but he's not sure it's his place to tell her. So it's on days like those that he tries to do a little something to make her feel better.

"_It's peppermint. 'Cause, read an article recently and I do believe it's OK to serve peppermint even after Christmas."_

_She smiles as she brings the mug to her lips. "You didn't have to do that." _

"_Oh don't worry, I did it more for me than for you." He sighs and sifts through the jellybeans. "I have a confession to make…"_

"_What?" She looks at him nervously._

"_I've always had a thing for Swiss Miss. I mean have you seen her? The braids, the yodeling? C'mon. She's totally hot."_

"_Hate to break it to you but I'm pretty sure she's out of your league Halpert." She laughs back at him. "And anyways, if she was here today she'd certainly go after Dwight."_

_He regards her closely and gives her a nod. "Hmm. Pam. You have a point."_

She wasn't perfect, he knew. She had a quick temper and was prone to pouting. And sometimes he thinks that he hurts her because he knows that he can. Sometimes it makes him say something incredibly asinine. And as the words leave his mouth he wants to hang himself.

"_At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game…"_

He keeps thinking she'll change her mind – that she'll see it for herself. Because he's not the one who makes this complicated. She has the choices to make.

Tipsy and irresistible she kisses him like it's no big deal. He knows that it's partially because she's had a few too many and she's mad at Roy but even so his stomach does a full somersault and his knees begin to shake.

She stares up at him in the parking lot and he thinks this might be it…

_C'mom Pam. Want something else. Want something **more**…_

But she catches the camera and another moment is gone.

"_It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?"_

He knows what it would be like to be without her. The week she takes off for vacation is torturous. A day having to share the same space with her and not sit across from her is in a way a thousand times worse.

It's in desperation that he calls a woman he's barely said two words to for a date. He leaves his voicemail half full for a week just so he can hear her say, over and over…

_Sudoku. Level: Moderate. Time: Eighteen minutes. Suck on that, Halpert._

He catches her looking at him sometimes. He senses her aggravation when the girls he's dated have called. But she the one who's got a ring on her finger. If he really had a choice he know who he'd choose in a second.

If it was up to him…but...it's not.

He's out on the deck of the boat and it's cold and it's weird because his so-called girlfriend and her so-called fiancé are spending almost every moment together inside.

And he should have said something then. He should have told her then. But they were out in the middle of a lake and if it went badly there'd be no place to go and hide.

"_Never, ever, ever give up."_

He almost does. He tries to. He dates other women, he books a trip to Australia and he interviews for a transfer. But then there's that night, where she looks, incredible and her smile's…incredible and he's thinking that he needs to tell her the truth – that he'll be leaving while she's on her honeymoon.

"_You have no idea…what your friendship means to me…"_

It cuts him to the core, the sound of her voice trying to let him down easy and he's so incredibly sad, sad for him and sad for her, that she'll go all in with her poker chips but play it safe with her own life. She's gambling the wrong way and it makes him so sad that a tear falls before he can stop it.

"_He's my best friend…"_

"_Yeah. I think I am."_

And he was simply going to pack up his desk – to take that transfer sooner rather than later. But she's there and she's...beautiful and there's a voice screaming louder than it ever has before.

_C'mom Pam. Want something else. Want something **more**…_

His arm curls around her, her body sways against his and her hands are in his hair and he thinks he hears it then. He thinks maybe she's finally changed her mind.

_C'mom Pam. Want something else. _

_Want something **more**…_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: OK - so Jenna says there was no dialogue. But I'm guessing eventually there would have been. So…_

**Chapter Three**

"Jim." She says his name so softly he almost doesn't hear it.

"Yeah?" He steps back and shoves his hands back in his pockets.

"_Jim._" She sits down on the edge of the desk and presses a hand to her lips. Her arm is curled around her waist hugging tightly. She can't stand any longer for fear she might faint.

"Yeah." He hangs his head. "You um…had something on your mouth and I…"

Pam's eyes go wide. _He's not seriously trying to make a joke at a time like this is he? _

"JIM."

He scratches the back of his neck, realizing how lame his attempt is. "It's um - off now - so…"

"Oh my God." She looks at him desperately. "What did you just do?" Even as she says it she's arguing with herself.

_What is it about getting what you want that makes you disbelieve? He's saving you…it's what you want. _

_LET HIM._

"If you have to ask I obviously didn't do it right." He laughs nervously.

She needs to put some distance between them. She moves away to stand over by her desk. "Jim. I'm getting married."

"Yeah." He nods.

"In _three_ weeks." She says then, pacing a bit.

"Yeah." Jim's mouth is set in a firm line. "I got that."

Those three words make everything suddenly…clearer.

"This is why you complained to Toby." She looks at him, incredulously.

"Pam." He sighs and sinks into his chair.

"You…" She begins and then stops, unable to finish her thought.

"Don't…" He shakes his head at her. He knows whatever she's trying to say won't be good.

_C'mon Pam. Choose ME._

"Oh my God. What did you just **_do_**?" She says again, tears streaming down her cheeks now, her hand covering her mouth again. She begins to shake because she can still feel his lips there.

_Don't. _He begged her in his mind to stop. _Pam. Don't…_

"What I should have done a long time ago." He mutters under his breath, sadly. "But I didn't. So…"

He didn't know what he had expected when he kissed her. To immediately say, I'm in love with you too?

He honestly hadn't been planning to kiss her in the first place, but he could read the writing on the wall and…this? This was not going to end well.

He moves to stand and picks up an empty box. Unceremoniously, he starts to clear his desk. First a picture frame, then a mug…

Pam stops her pacing and stares at him open mouthed. "What are you doing?"

He doesn't answer her question. Instead, he starts to rifle through his desk drawers.

Her heart is beating so fast she's sure he can hear it. She crosses to him and tugs on the sleeve of his sweater. "What are you doing?"

"I'm transferring." He says as he takes a deliberate step away. He flips through a folder and tosses it back on the desk.

"What?" _This can't be real._ She lays a hand on her cheek because she feels like he's slapped her.

"To Stamford." He adds quietly.

"Jim. You can't…" She can't breathe. Simply. Can't. Breathe.

_LET HIM._

"You're getting married." He says it like a question.

_C'mon Pam. Choose ME._

"Yes." She replies, her voice broken.

And just like every day for the last three years, he'd been hoping for a different answer.

Jim nods and turns his attention back to the desk. All at once, he decides there's nothing really worth taking. Until he remembers...

He reaches in his pocket and grabs his keys, quickly unlocking his bottom desk drawer. He pulls out what looks like a box of manila file folders and tucks it under his arm. Shoulders hunched, he starts to walk towards the door.

"_Jim_." She sobs as he moves past her.

_LET HIM._

The way she says it makes him stop and turn back around.

_C'mon Pam. Choose ME._

"Why?" She asks, her eyes pleading.

He knows exactly what she's asking. And he can't believe she even needs to. "A million reasons."

"You shouldn't…" She shakes her head at him.

"Too late." He replies.

"I'm not…" She hangs her head.

"What?" He looks at her, his eyes pleading.

"…worth it."

He knows she believes it, and it makes him want to cry again.

"Pam." He whispers.

"You should take that transfer." She's suddenly shivering.

"Pam." He takes another step closer.

"You should. You deserve so much more than this." She's still sobbing. "More than…" She can't finish the sentence.

"I don't think so." He protests as he places the box down on his desk again.

As soon as he's within arms reach she sways into him again, her hands moving to his shoulders and clutching him desperately.

"You should go…" She murmurs as she rests her head on his chest. His arms curl around her and he holds her close.

_LET HIM._

"Tell me to stay." He whispers as he places a kiss on her hair. "Give me a reason, Pam."

_C'mon Pam. Choose ME._

They stand there for a while. Minutes seem like hours and they're both too scared to move. Like if they make their way outside it'll disappear.

He's not so sure that won't be the case.

He's right.

"We can't do this…" She whispers against his neck.

"Yeah. We can." He whispers back, holding her tighter.

"I've made all these plans…"

"Unmake them."

_C'mon Pam. Choose ME._

"Roy…" She says softly.

One syllable shouldn't have that much power but it does. Jim steps back and lets her go, his hands back in his pockets again.

"Roy." He repeats, his voice bitter. _This is why…this is why he never said anything before._

"He…" She begins.

"Yeah." He reaches down and picks up the box again.

"Jim…" She starts sobbing again. _This is why…this is why she never said anything before._

"I know." And he does. He understands and that's what makes it so unbelievably painful. Because a woman he could love like this can't be the kind of woman who could walk away from a ten year relationship that easily.

It was almost enough to make Jim laugh. Wasn't that the most ironic thing of all? The fact that she loved Roy was also a reason why he loved her.

"I'd better go." He says sadly as he makes his way to the door again. He stops with his hand resting on the doorknob and turns to face her again.

"Just…" He begins and then sighs.

"What?" _It's not too late. Just say the word…c'mon…_

_LET HIM._

"Be happy Pam. Please?" It sounds more like a plea than a parting comment. He gives her a last look and then slips out the door.

As she watches him leave she looks down at her hand, the tiny diamond dull in the darkened office. She feels like her heart's been ripped out and trampled on as she whispers…

"I'll try…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four **

_She could tell it was morning, but she didn't want to wake up. She wanted to sleep for days…weeks…as long as she possibly could._

_She could sense him in the room with her. He was walking softly so as not to wake her and a smile tugged at her lips. _

_She snuggled against her pillow. She felt safe. She felt…comfortable. _

_She could feel his weight on the mattress as he sat beside her but she kept her eyes closed. There was the faintest scent of chocolate in the air. Suddenly she felt his lips, soft and warm close to her ear. _

_Wow. What a lovely way to wake up._

"_Rise and shine, beautiful." He whispered as his mouth nibbled gently on her neck._

_The way he said it had her almost laughing. It was odd but sweet to hear him call her beautiful. He had never said anything like that to her before._

"_C'mon." His hand slipped under the covers and rested on the curve of her hip. "You'll be late for work."_

"_Let's both be late." She whispered huskily as she felt him lie down beside her, his hand sliding across her stomach. She shifted to make more room for him on the bed._

"_Mmm. Do I smell chocolate?" She said with a sigh as she settled against him._

"_You do." He chuckled as he buried his nose in her hair._

"_Swiss Miss?" She giggled._

"_No." His voice is disgusted. "She's too high maintenance. It's Nesquik. I figured I'd have a better chance with a cartoon rabbit."_

"_Probably." She laughed harder as she turned in his arms, opening her eyes and smiling up at him. "I told you she was out of your league."_

"_That you did, Beesly." He whispered as his mouth covered hers. "That you did."_

"Hey Pammy. Wake up, babe. It's almost eight-thirty." He calls out to her loudly.

"What?" She blinks as she sits bolt upright in bed. _Oh my God. What the hell was that?_

"Get a move on." Roy says as he fastens his watch on his wrist. "I mean, if you want a ride that is. I'm leaving in twenty minutes with or without you."

"I'll drive myself." She says, rubbing her eyes a bit.

"You sure?" He looks at her oddly. It was rare she didn't want a ride.

"Yeah. I'm…" She swallowed audibly, her throat suddenly incredibly dry. "I'm going to need a few extra minutes." _Or hours or...days to get over...that. _

_What the hell?_

"OK. I'll see you there." He leans down and kisses her quickly and she pulls back without even realizing it. "Later."

"Yeah." She says softly as she watches him go. "Later."

Immediately her hand moves to her mouth, because it's not Roy's kiss she's remembering.

As soon as she hears the door slam and his truck drive off, she throws back the covers and scrambles out of bed, pacing the length of the bedroom.

She looks around and realizes all at once. There's very little of her in here. All she has is picture on her and Roy from last summer sitting on bureau, along with a small glass dish that holds her rings and a tiny leather jewelry case that her Mom gave her last Christmas.

The linens on the bed are plain, masculine even. Roy always told her there is no way in hell he'd sleep on some frou-frou floral print. So she kept it basic. Plain. Ordinary.

_Jim wouldn't care. He'd probably even sleep on sheets with polka dots. _

The image of just that, Jim in bed with his head resting on a polka dotted pillow filled her mind. As the imaged faded it was replaced with an image of the way she'd dreamed of waking up this morning.

_Oh God._

Why did he do it? She had become so good at pretending. At telling herself that the flush that crept to her cheeks was because it was a little too warm in the office or the flutter in her stomach was because she'd skipped breakfast again.

_Why?_

On a normal day it was easy to fool herself. Work is boring. Jim is funny. It's a distraction – plain and simple. But then there were looks that lingered a little too long, the disappointment when she'd look up and he wasn't at his desk for hours, the jealousy that would creep up and grab hold whenever another girl called him.

Like she had a right to talk.

_You're engaged Pam. To Roy. Remember Roy? _

Of course she remembers. She remembers the day she met him, how she felt warm from her head to her toes when he smiled at her. He was _something _and the fact that he paid attention to her made her _somethin_g too.

And then…somehow it changed. He didn't get the scholarship he'd been hoping for and then he simply…gave up. There was no other way to describe it. And in turn - she gave up her dream of going to school in New York and studying art and instead went to Marywood – because if he wasn't going to leave Scranton she wasn't going to leave him.

The only thing was they never left.

And she knew- they never would.

_This is your life Pam. This is what it could be. Your life will be here and Jim will be…_

_…somewhere else._

Not that Stamford was all that exciting. But it was _**so**_ close to New York so close to everything she used to dream of. All those dreams she's let slip away because it was just too painful, to pathetic to keep dreaming them when they wouldn't ever come true.

"_Be happy, Pam. Please?"_

It's not that she wasn't happy – it was that somehow, someway she had just become…numb. That's what it was. She was simply numb, feeling nothing, risking nothing, because the idea of being more disappointed than she already was is paralyzing.

She looks at her dresser, her eyes falling upon a scrap of lavender silk,a swatch from her bridesmaids' dresses. All these plans…

"_Unmake them."_

It's too much to hope. Too much to dream again. Who's to say it'd be any better? Who's to say that without the fluorescent lighting and the intrusive camera crew and annoying co-workers he'd be the same?

_Keep trying to talk yourself out of it Pam. You've tried to ignore it but you know. You know he would. That dream you had is not so far off. Be honest – FOR ONCE. That's what has you freaking out now._

_You know._

He'd whisper in your ear in the morning. He'd make you hot chocolate and bring it to you in bed. He'd make himself late to work – just so he'd be able to drive you. He'd listen to you when you had a bad day. He'd make you angry because he'd always tell you the truth – always say the one thing you didn't want to hear because it was better for you to face things then to pretend they weren't there.

_You know he would. _

It wouldn't be perfect – but God, wouldn't it be something?

_It would be...something._

She glanced at the clock – her eyes widening when she realized it was well after nine.

She thought again of last night. Is he even coming in today? When he said he was leaving did he mean – like – right now?

She decides that the answer is...probably not. Michael would have to know and he'd never have been able to keep his mouth shut. There was time. She thinks desperately. There's still a little time.

She'd better get going. If she was going to try and bring things back to normal she'd have to go in. She'd have to make believe that nothing at all out of the ordinary happened last night.

As she makes her way to the bathroom to shower one thing fills her mind.

_See if you can do it, Pam. See if you can pretend this isn't there, that he isn't there. Just see. Because now you know the truth. There's only so much he's willing to take._

_Just keep on doing that and if you're not careful one day he really won't be._


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: I'd say don't shoot me - but honestly - who else you going to blame? Trust me - I'm too big a chicken to actually end the story on a down note._

_Just keep that in mind. ;)_

**Chapter Five**

He meant - like - right now.

Because - honestly? How much more was he expected to take?

Even though as he had walked, head hanging, into Michael's office he knew it wasn't entirely fair. He knew that was secondary.

He woke up this morning and just...knew. He had to get out of there - as fast as he possibly could.

It all boiled down to self preservation. Pure and simple.

There was no denying he loved her. He knew it. _She_ knew it. But there was only so much he could stomach before he began to hate himself.

His heart ached as his mind went a step further. It was only a matter of time before he began to hate her.

OK. Maybe hate was too strong a word. Maybe it was more like resent. One day he was terrified he'd wake up and go to work and when he laid eyes on her he'd just resent her for being the epitome of everything he'd wanted - and everything that he couldn't have. He could see it happening. One day he'd wake up and he'd resent the hell out of her - for some completely irrational reason. He could already picture it vividly. He'd find himself blaming her.

As if it was her fault she'd met Roy in high school.

It wasn't - but he'd be lying if he said he doesn't blame her a bit for staying with him for so long.

And he'd certainly have mixed feelings now - that it seemed that once she knew the truth she still won't let him go.

_"Oh my God. What did you just **do**?"_

There was a honk and a screech of brakes. He heard a car come dangerously close and decided he'd better keep his eyes on the road. It was useless, because the thoughts kept coming.

_What did I just do? I kissed you. I said I was in love with you. In plain English, Pam. It shouldn't be so difficult to comprehend._

_And now that I did - you still chose him._

Moving to Stamford wasn't just the right thing. It was the only thing. This is exactly what he needed. A new start. A new life. Sure in this new life he was still hocking paper but let's face it. There were very few people in life who were completely fulfilled and happy with their jobs.

_Very _few.

He couldn't be sure it would be all that different. Stamford might even be a carbon copy of Scranton for all he knew.

But he'd finally end the torture. And once he got some distance, maybe he'd get a whole new perspective. Maybe, someday, he'd be able to move on.

_Keep saying that to yourself. In a thousand years maybe it'll actually happen._

Her laugh. God - he loved her laugh. It seemed to start low and gain volume and strength the longer he listened. And it almost always met her eyes, made them dance, and lit her from within. It was contagious. It was nothing short of his drug of choice.

And if he was being completely honest, he was going through severe withdrawal already.

The morning had been a thousand different types of awful. He'd called Jan and set up an appointment. Luckily she was such a workaholic she'd answered on the first ring. Michael acted completed insulted and put out that he'd even entertained the thought of a transfer, let alone the fact that he was leaving almost immediately.

He'd said his piece and left, leaving in his wake a gaping Dwight, a stunned Phyllis, and strangely excited Kelly, clutching her heart as she stood by the reception desk to be sure she'd be the one to break the news to Pam.

He could picture her now and didn't want to. He was afraid of what the look on her face would actually be. Would it be regret or sorrow? Or, worst of all, relief? That was what scared him most of all. Maybe all she wanted was to have him out of the picture so she could go on with her mundane and boring life.

_You think life with you would be all that much better? What exactly can you offer her Halpert? _

He'd at least pay attention to her - he knew that much. He'd encourage her to realize her amazing potential. He'd be…better for her. He may not know how exactly - but he knew it.

He _knew_ it.

But it seemed she didn't want better. She wanted familiar. She wanted tried and true. She wanted…

Roy.

And this whole time he'd kept thinking that it was just that she didn't know she had a choice. That she thought that they were just friends - that she'd been too scared to make the first move - that when push came to shove she'd fall into his arms.

But she didn't fall. She barely even budged. He'd left her there, with his kiss and Roy's name hanging off her lips.

He'd waited in the hallway for what seemed to him like an eternity, but was probably mere minutes. He'd waited but in the end, Pam didn't make the least bit of effort to go after him.

He'd gotten the message. Loud and clear. Now - he was done. He put it all out there and it came back to smack him.

As a result, here he was, in a car on the way to New York City, to make his transfer final. To get his official start date, which would most likely be after he got back from Australia.

_Got to hand it to you Halpert. When you decide to make an ass of yourself, you really go all out. _

The streets of Manhattan are packed as usual and he gives up even trying to find a spot, pulling into the closest garage. It's hot and it's muggy and he wishes he'd taken off his jacket before walking the three blocks to Corporate.

He makes his way through the labyrinth that is building security and waits for the receptionist to come and get him.

This receptionist is as far from Pam as someone could get, he thinks with a sigh. She wears her hair in a sleek blond ponytail, she's dressed all in black with shoes that have heels so high and thin they should be classified as deadly weapons. Her name is Margo or something he remembers as he gives her a smile.

It's still just paper. He takes a deep steadying breath as he makes his way to Jan's office. Just…paper.

Jan looks tired, he thinks as he remembers that he's not the only one who is still reeling from the events of last night. It's odd to share some sort of a bond with…Jan of all people. To think that someone as inane as Michael was able to get through to someone so seemingly well put together as Jan was mind boggling. He contemplated it for a few more minutes as he follows behind her as she takes him to HR.

_There's someone for everyone, Jimmy._ His mother always had told him. _Remember there's a lid for every pot._

It had always made him smile. Every time some girl had broken his heart it was a consolation. It really was a great theory - except…

What happens when - after years of not even realizing you were searching - you think you've found your lid? What happens when the lid you've found has been with another pot for so long it doesn't even want to try you on for size?

_What happens then?_

His hand trembles slightly as he signs on the dotted line, making his transfer official.

As he shakes Jan's hand, his mind goes back to the subject he was thinking of before. To the only subject he's thought about at all for the last six months.

_What happens then?_

_I'll tell you what you do._ He thinks to himself. You _go to a place that has a bigger - different lid selection. A veritable lid warehouse if you will. And in time you see if you can find one that fits almost as well._

He knows in his heart it'll never be perfect - because a fit like that only happens once in a lifetime. But - for the first time in years Jim seems determined as he tries to convince himself that finding someone else could somehow be enough.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Perhaps I wrote this while watching Drug Testing._

_Perhaps. (:_

**Chapter Six**

_He's gone._

_Gone._

_Gone._

_Too late Pam. He's…gone._

She's been sitting at her desk for hours, trying to pretend everything's fine as her world falls apart around her.

_Jim. Is. Gone._

"Dunder-Mifflin - This is Pam." She says, over and over, her voice more lifeless than usual.

_Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out._

She puts down the phone and looks around her desk, trying to find something - anything to distract her. Because she's pretty sure that if she had the means blowing her brains out would be a definite option.

Memories of him are everywhere she realizes all of the sudden.

_Hey. Looking for something to distract you? Here's something to distract you. Maybe you should plan your wedding Pam. Your wedding, remember?_

The phone rings again and this time she's relieved to hear a familiar voice on the other end.

"Mom." She says softly, biting back a sob.

"I know. I'm sorry. No. Not now. I can't…" She protests, her voice a mere whisper.

"Worse. No. Yes. It doesn't matter anymore. It's too late. I don't know…" She sniffles as she twists the phone cord in her fingers.

Her eyes fall on a post-it note she'd forgotten was there. And her mind goes back. Two years ago…

_"Good morning." He says softly as he leans across the desk._

_"Hey." She smiles up at him._

_"Hey - um…did you happen to notice today's date?" He asks with a grin._

_"Shut up." She rolls her eyes. He was so lame._

_He regards the paper bag in his hand. "Oh. Hold on. Is it your birthday or something?"_

_"Shut up." She narrows her gaze at him, blushing a bit._

_He gives her an adoring look as he places the bag in front of her. "Happy Birthday, Beesly."_

_"Thank you." She says, suddenly giddy with anticipation. Jim always bought the best gifts._

_He stands and watches her as she slowly opens the bag. _

_"Jim." She sighs as she pulls out a bag of French Onion Sun Chips and a Cadbury bar. It was dark chocolate, her favorite. Roy always bought her Hershey's but Pam always thought that Cadbury tasted better. It was near blasphemy for someone who grew up in the State of Pennsylvania but she didn't care._

_Roy also always bought her milk chocolate instead, she thought with a sigh._

_She looks in the bag again and finds something else. A can of Coke with a post-it note attached. She smiles as she reads the message:_

_Good for one (and only **one**) - Get Out of Jinx Free_

_"Jim." She raises her eyes to his and laughs out loud. _

_"There's one more thing." He says, hoping that his voice isn't shaking._

_She peers in the bag and her mouth hangs open. She reaches in and pulls out a box of pastels._

_"Jim." She says softly as she turns them over in her hands. "You shouldn't have."_

_"The - um - woman at the - um - art supply store - she said they're pretty good." He says as he averts his eyes from hers._

_"They're very good." She says as she stares at him in awe. And more than that - very expensive._

_"Happy Birthday." He says again as he pushes back and makes his way over to his desk._

_"Jim. Really. Thank you." She whispers as he walks away._

_"You're welcome." He grins as he sits back down._

She's snapped back to the present by the sound of her mother's voice. "It's really bad… Mom. I just…I'll call you later. I promise." She says as she rubs at her eyes with her sleeve as she hangs up the phone. She puts the phone on voicemail and as calmly as she can manage, makes her way out the door.

She'd been in the office without him. She suffered as he sat in the back of the office for a full day when Michael commandeered his desk. She'd suffered through his silence for a full day when he couldn't speak.

But this was worse. This was awful. This was…real.

_I can't choose. It's too hard._ She thinks desperately as she makes her way to the roof. She's known Roy for ten years. She's known Jim for four. She knows everything about Roy, good, bad and ugly. She has seen sides of Jim she doesn't quite like but for the most part he just makes her happy.

_Be happy, Pam. Please?_

**_He_** makes her happy.

_Then why is she crying?_

How could things change so quickly? She couldn't believe it. Just two days ago they were laughing and joking around and now it's suddenly _I'm in love withyou_ and _Choose me_.

As she stands on the roof, overlooking the parking lot she can't help but notice his car isn't there.

She hugs her arms around herself and finally just gives in, letting the tears fall.

It should be easy. The answers should be easy. But they…weren't. Not at all. Even with that one thought manages to break through.

_You have choices Pam. You still have choices. _

xoxoxoxoxo

_The Stamford Branch will be happy to have you._

_Enjoy your vacation, rest up for the big move._

_I think you've made the right choice Jim._

He tosses his keys on the table in the hallway, dumping his bag and his jacket next to it as he eases his shoes off. He rolls his neck to get out the kinks of having been driving so long.

_Why doesn't it feel right then? _

Moving to the kitchen, he grabs a beer and then moves into the living room. He turns on the TV and then quickly turns it off. He sighs as he looks around, his eyes falling on the box he'd taken from the office last night.

_Don't do it, Jim. Don't go there._

Ignoring the voice in his head he leans over and lifts the lid. As he does his mind goes back…One year ago...

_"Jellybeans?" He asks his eyebrows raised._

_"Oh." She looks at the dish as if it's just appeared on her desk. "Yeah." She says nonchalantly._

_"Gourmet jellybeans no less." He remarks as he digs in, looking for the best flavors._

_"I'm quite the connoisseur." She says with a grin._

_"I see that." Jim chuckles._

_"Happy Birthday." She whispers as she hands him a perfectly wrapped package shaped like a thin square._

_"Thank you." He says, smiling widely._

_"You're welcome." She says, nearly bouncing in her seat, trying to hide her nerves. She can't wait for his reaction._

_He opens the package carefully and he's awed at what he finds._

_It's a picture, with an unfinished edge as if it's been torn from a sketchbook. He looks as if he's about to run his fingers over it and she stops him by placing her hand over his. _

_"You can't touch it - it'll smudge." She warns him. "The pastels…"_

_"Right." He says quickly. He's suddenly completely pre-occupied by the feel of her hand over his._

_"I used the ones you gave me..." She starts to explain as she moves away._

_"I see that." He grins at her._

_"Do you like it?"_

_Do I like it? He thinks to himself. It's quite possibly the best thing he'd ever seen. It was a perfect representation of a scene he'd described to her once, him and his dad at the ballgame when he was about six. You couldn't make out the faces of the man and boy in the drawing, but it was exactly as he remembered it._

_"I love it." He answered so honestly it made her blush. He turned his gaze to her as he whispered. " Pam. You are really wasting some incredible talent hanging out here with me." _

_"Someone's got to do it." She says with a roll of her eyes, beyond thrilled that she'd made him so happy._

_"You are **so** talented, Pam. Really." He says again as he looks into her eyes, briefly, before focusing back to the picture._

_"Thank you." __She whispers, suddenly embarassed._

_"No. Thank **you**. It's great. Best. Present. Ever." He says for emphasis._

_"You're welcome." She replies, blushing a color near to fuchsia._

_As he makes his way back to his desk,holding the drawing carefully by the corners, he knows for a fact that he'll treasure her gift forever._

He turns his attention back to his beer and drinks deeply. How could things change so quickly? He couldn't believe it. Just two days ago they were laughing and joking around and now it's suddenly _I'm in love with you_ and _Choose me_.

But he'd envisioned a whole different scenario. One that for sure didn't have him on the other side of the globe three weeks from now. He also never imaged that when he came back it would be to live in Connecticut.

He'd been in the office without her. He suffered as he sat in the back of the office for a full day when Michael commandeered his desk. He'd suffered through being silent for a full day when she'd jinxed him so couldn't speak.

But this was worse. This was awful. This was…real.

It should be easy. The answers should be easy. But they…weren't. Not at all. Even with that one thought manages to break through.

_"You can tell me Jim. You can tell me anything."_

_Apparently not, Pam. _He thinks desperately as he stares at the picture lying on his coffee table. _Apparently not. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven **

It was really quite something the way things turned out sometimes.

One day you are dreading your wedding - the next day you find out that a pipe burst and the place you were planning on holding your reception is nearly condemned.

_If that wasn't a sign…_

She knew Roy was expecting her to throw a fit. She knew he was bracing himself for it. And honestly she had tried but she just couldn't do it. She couldn't gather the strength to let him have it, to rant and rave about how everything was ruined.

It was hard for her to muster up the type of reaction she knew she should be having. She knew the reason why. If she hadn't already begun to doubt whether or not she should be with Roy she'd be an emotional wreck right now.

Well, actually that was true - but it was for a completely different reason.

Deep down she knew what the problem really was. Roy just didn't go out of his way to care about _anything_ she did. And there was a time where she was okay with that.

But not anymore.

Not when she knew now - she **_knew_** there was something else she could choose.

_Be happy Pam. Please?_

And she'd choose it for sure - if only she wasn't so incredibly scared.

At first, Roy didn't even seem to think she was serious. He laughed - actually - laughed when she said she was leaving - that it was over - that this was just a sign that helped her add up a long line of things she'd ignored for years. He laughed when she'd told him she'd finally had enough.

Not only had enough…had another option. As guilty as she felt for the secret she carried it honestly was secondary to the fact that when she'd gotten the call from the VA Hall she actually sighed with relief.

Loudly.

Pam knew it wasn't fair. Roy didn't ask for her to strike up a friendship with Jim. Roy didn't expect her to…

_Admit it Pam. Admit it. You don't need to say it to anyone, just admit it to yourself._

Roy didn't expect her to fall in love with someone else. Anyone else - let alone…

_Jim._

Her heart rose to her throat again at the thought of him just like it had a thousand times before today

He was back from vacation today, starting at Stamford on Monday. She knew this because she'd filed the papers Jan had faxed over sealing the deal.

She remembers now gazing at his loopy handwriting, the way the "M" in his first name intertwined with the "H" of his last.

And suddenly all she could think of was his hands.

The image of them filled her mind, of them holding a pen…or drumming on her desk…or handing her half of his sandwich or…

…his hand…holding hers.

It didn't happen often, mostly when he didn't realize it. He'd give her hand a quick squeeze for emphasis or extend his hand to her to help her across an icy patch or to climb up to the roof.

_He smiles as he sits down next to her. "Nice. That's excellent because bugs love…my famous grilled cheese sandwiches." _

_"Yes! Nice." Her eyes open widely with glee as she takes a bite. "I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner." _

_As they watch the fireworks she looks at him sideways, and the thought fills her mind before she can stop it. This is what it's supposed to be like…easy. _

_Nice. Just...nice._

It didn't happen often, but every time it happened she couldn't deny that her pulse quickened and her heart turned a slow roll in her chest.

_This is what it's supposed to be like…this is why._

Even when she could finally make Roy see - finally made him understand that she was really leaving, that it was truly over, she was still terrified.

Jim would be back, he'dfind out what had happened and then she'd wait and see. She knew she should make the first move - she owed him that much - but everytime she tried to picutre it it just came out wrong.

It's what kept her from calling him. It's what she'd been dreading all along.

Because as appealing, as…amazing as she was certain being with Jim could be she was scared out of her mind that if she really chose him it would end up ruining everything.

Still - she had to do it. She'd start slow. She'd give it a few weeks. She was incredibly insecure but she knew something about herself. She knew exactly how to get to him if she set her mind to it.

It might take some time, but the end result would be more than worth it. Out of sight didn't need to be out of mind.

And in a few weeks - she'd just start to remind him.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Australia wasn't nearly as cold as he expected.

The weather was clear and though not balmy enough to lie out and catch the sun he still managed to get a bit of sunburn across the bridge of his nose. Made him at least look like he'd taken a relaxing vacation.

There was a note on the door indicating he had a package waiting for him at FedEx. As he made his way inside his new, sparsely furnished apartment he grabbed a stack of mail. Sighing with sheer exhaustion, he sank down onto the couch to begin to wade through it.

_She was married now._

_Wow. A mere hour and a half since he'd had the same thought._ _Really._ He sighed. _How long would getting the least bit over her actually take?_

June 10th was a day he could barely remember. He'd befriended the bartender in the hotel lobby and that was all it took. It was nothing more than an afternoon and evening full of increasingly slurring conversation…

_"This girl. You have no idea, man. NO IDEA. She's incredible. She's smart - she's so fucking funny - and God - she has absolutely no idea how beautiful she really is. She's an artist…I mean…an actual artist. And I can't believe…I can't believe…after everything I did I still lost her."_

His eyes fell on a lavender envelope with a Pennsylvania address. It barely registers that this is not his typical junk mail. Absentmindedly, he rips it open - and then a split second later - loses his breath.

_Mr. and Mrs. Edward Beesly regret to inform you that their daughter, Pamela, will no longer be marrying Roy Anderson._

_Pam and Roy thank you for your generous gift - which has been returned to you. _

_It meant so much that you wanted to celebrate this day with us._

He read the card over and over. He analyzed it closely nothing short of fifteen times, just to make sure it was real. His eyes skim the words again and again.

…_regret to inform you…_

…_.no longer be marrying Roy Anderson…._

_It meant so much that you wanted to celebrate this day with us._

A huge smile breaks out over his face; an even larger weight lifts from his shoulders.

_Celebrate? Oh hell yes!_

He is on his feet in an instant and begins to pace, nearly tripping one of the many boxes crowding his apartment. He couldn't believe it had finally happened. She wasn't married.

_She. _

_Wasn't. _

_Married._

Should he call her? Should he drive straight for Scranton? Is she even in Scranton? Where the hell was she? Why hadn't she called?

_Wait. Why **hadn't** she called?_

The smile leaves his face. Disappointment creeps in.

_Maybe she didn't call because maybe not that much had changed. _

Maybe - even without Roy - she still didn't want him.

As the thought fills his mind for the first time he discounts it. He couldn't believe it. Pam wouldn't just call things off for no reason. Something made her. Something caused this. And though there were a million possible reasons why he chose the only one he could.

_It was - even in some small way - because of him._

And the smile is back again.

He looks at the card in his hand. Now - he realized he had a different problem.

_Easy there killer. Back it up a quick second._

Jim knew her. He knew she'd never show up on his doorstep so soon after she called things off. She would need time before she even thought about moving on.

He could do patience. Hell - he pretty much earned himself a PhD when he spent all that time working with her. He knew how to keep his distance. He knew how to get win her over. It's not like he hadn't done it before…

_"Pam." He grabs her arm as she tries to walk past him and out the door._

_She is still far from over it. Even though she knows it's unfair. Even though, she kind of knows the reason behind it. She tries to block it out - for the millionth time. _

_"It's fine Jim. Really. You don't need to keep apologizing." She says with a sigh._

_"No. It's not fine. I want you to understand. It was just **one** day. I was just venting to Toby. I was trying to close a sale and all I could hear is 'lavender tulle and lilies' over and over again."_

_With a pang of guilt she remembers that day. She'd had a hell of a fight with the florist. It must have been incredibly annoying to overhear. _

_"I went right to him the next morning and took it back. I know you have a lot to do. I know you're doing this all on your own…"_

_For the first time, he didn't mean it as a dig against Roy. He was simply trying to get that look out of her eyes._

_Even though part of her knows deep down what the real problem is, she gazes up at him sympathetically._

_He can see it. She's softening. Her mouth curls up with a hint of a smile. He takes a deep breath and decides to go for it._

_He crosses his arms in front of his chest and gives her a pout. "I mean…plus…you never even asked me to be a bridesmaid or anything…"_

_And then - to his great relief - she laughed. She looked straight into his eyes and laughed uncontrollably._

_It was easier to joke than to deal with what his complaint might have really meant. _

_She wiped tears of laughter from her eyes as she gazed up at him. "I'm sorry about that. Trust me - it was a really tough decision - but in the end I just realized that you really don't look good in anything strapless."_

He'd start slow. He'd give it a few weeks. He wasn't at all conceited but he did know something about himself. He knew he could be pretty damn charming if he set his mind to it.

It might take some time, but the end result would be more than worth it. Out of sight didn't need to be out of mind.

And in a few weeks - he'd just start to remind her.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Yes. I know. I'm kinda evil._

_Please, please, PLEASE remember. Good things come to those who wait. ;)_

**Chapter Eight**

It was something he never expected. He missed his old life.

_Jim. C'mon now. Be honest. It's not your old life you miss - it's…simply…_

_HER. _

He looks up every five minutes expecting to see her face - but all he sees is Margaret, the grandmotherly looking woman from Quality Control who sits at the cube across from him.

There were days when he just expected to see her rounding the corner or in the break room or…anywhere.

He wanted to just **_see _**her…for like…five seconds.

_Yeah, right. Like five seconds would be nearly enough._

Overwhelmed, he starts to type an email but he stops just short. He can't imagine how to begin.

_Hey. What's new? _

Way too casual.

Maybe he should send her a card or something. Does Hallmark even have cards for that? As he thinks it he can picture one in his mind.

_Sorry to hear you won't tie the knot…_

_Mind if I tell you that you're hot?_

He's ashamed that type of rhyme is even something he could imagine._ Wow. That's not cheesy…AT ALL._

There's no hope of any work getting done, and he's filled his quota for the day anyway. Jim continues to daydream, leaning back in his chair and picturing in his mind what it would be like when he finally saw her again.

_It would be late. Definitely after work. He'd shuffle, head down towards his lonely apartment and see her, slumped against his door, her legs crossed at the ankles and her keds white as ever. _

_Her head would be down and she'd be fiddling with her necklace. She used to fiddle with her ring but her left hand was bare now._

_And, knowing that fact, relishing in it, he would smile widely as he walked towards her._

_"The sign downstairs says no loitering." He'd whisper._

_She'd look up, as if she's the one who should be surprised. She would take a deep breath and reply. "No. It says 'no soliciting'."_

_And he'd nod his head to concede her point. "OK then. Loiter away."_

_He'd hold his hand out to her, and as she took it a jolt would charge straight up his arm, making him shiver a bit. _

_He'd be holding Pam's hand. Her left hand. The one conspicuously bare ring finger._

_She'd stumble a bit as she rose to her feet, swaying into him and his arms would catch her. _

_She'd look up at him, her tongue would dart out to wet her lips and his stomach would fall to the floor. _

_"You forgot something in Scranton." She would whisper as she'd rise on her toes and place her hands on his shoulders._

_"What's that?" He'd manage to croak out as he swallowed the lump that suddenly would find it's way to his throat._

_"Me." She'd say as she'd touch her mouth to his._

_He'd fumble with his keys but finally get the door open and he'd drag her towards the bedroom, not caring that it was the day before he'd planned to wash his sheets. _

_His hands would span her waist, his fingers slipping up and under the hem of her shirt and her hands would be tugging at his tie, pulling him down as they tumble together onto his bed. _

_She'd laugh they fell, and laugh harder when he'd bump his head against hers clumsily. And while she's laughing he'd press his lips to hers again as her hands…_

His phone is ringing. As difficult as it is for him to shake the image from his mind he finds himself blindly grasping for the phone.

He sighs as he answers it, not at all interested in talking to who's on the other end. _Who were you kidding? This whole waiting thing? Not going to be quite as easy as you thought._

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She was lucky that she had so much downtime.

It was amazing how willing people were to help her out, now that she and Roy were over. Even Angela seemed to be sympathetic.

That would change. The minute she found out about her feelings for Jim she'd be looking at her disapprovingly.

She'd look at her as if to say - _Cheating on your fiance? I always knew you were a hussy._

As if she had a right to talk. It was completely ironic that the real "secret" office romance was Angela and Dwight. She shivered just thinking about it. Dwight. Of all people.

They were actually perfect for one another. Both of them were beyond quirky and lacking fundamental interpersonal skills.

She knew she should call him, or email him, or _something_.

She reached into her file drawer and dug out her sketch pad. Michael had a lunch date with Carol so it was blessedly quiet. Honestly with both him and Jim absent the office functioned as an almost normal place of business.

Then again, there was always Dwight, she thought as the watched him manically measuring manila folders. He was convinced the latest shipment was a half an inch short.

Some things never changed at all.

Her hand began to move over the paper and she realized she was drawing his desk. It was eerily the same. She knew that night he'd taken almost nothing with him but she noticed his pictures were gone. Someone must have taken them from his desk and sent them to him.

His desk. She sighed. Her hand stilled as she remembered the last time she'd stopped by his desk.

_She hadn't expected him to follow her. She thought for sure he was on his way home. And she hated that she was the reason that he'd walked away._

_The night had been so perfect. When she sat across from him at the poker table she had a fleeting feeling - like they were the only two people in the world. When Roy told her he was leaving she didn't even care. She was feeling incredibly giddy and it was so nice to dress up for a change. And when Jim walked by she couldn't help but smile. He looked the same - but different. _

_Here she was all dressed in silk with her hair in curls and he - for once - wasn't wearing a tie. He looked casual yet dressy, like he would on a date. As she gazed up at him for a split second she'd indulged herself by thinking what it would be like to be on a date with him. _

_And then, he'd said it. _

_The words came out and ground shifted beneath her feet, the world spun. She'd looked into his eyes and simply panicked._

_She'd run upstairs and found herself sitting on his desk, talking to her mother about him. Suddenly he was there. Right in front of her._

_Kissing her. _

_She couldn't believe that it was happening. Finally. But even as she leaned closer and felt his hair slide through her fingers she felt herself pulling back._

_Because the idea of finally having something she wanted terrified her completely.  
_

The scene faded and new images flew through her mind. What if she'd never pulled back?

_Her hands would have slid to the back of his neck, applying pressure to keep his mouth fused to hers. She'd have sat back on the desk and he'd have moved over her, his fingers sliding down her sides and shifting her hips. _

_She'd lean back, bringing him with her, knocking over his pencil cup and sending the contents sliding across the slick surface of his desk. Papers would fly. _

_His fingers would tug at the clip in her hair as his mouth skims her throat and she'd moan and whine a little, wanting his mouth on hers again._

_Her hands would slide under his sweater, his hands would inch under her skirt and then… _

The phone rings. It takes her a three rings for her to actually realize it's ringing. She presses a shaky hand to her heart as she tries to find her voice.

She sighs as she answers the phone. _Who were you kidding? This whole waiting thing? Not going to be quite as easy as you thought._


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Thank a work crisis, sales on fabric softener, and insomnia for this. I tried to post it earlier but this site sometimes HATES me._

_I've accomplished a personal goal. I've effectively kept JAM in Scranton. Yay me! LOL!_

_Humor me. It's the little things people. This seems kinda like an ending but trust me it's not. _

_Warning: Not for the claustrophobic. ;) _

**Chapter Nine**

She's shaking, physically shaking.

_He's coming back._

Before she can even say anything - before she can figure out just how to do this she gets the notice from Corporate.

She's been dragging her feet all summer and now it's nearly fall. Well. It's September at least.

Weeks, months, days of daydreams and hoping and trying to make up her mind. Now - it's made up for her.

_He's coming back._

Its perfect timing. They're screening the documentary today. Even though they've been told they're extending filming they're going to finally get to see some result.

Her palms are sweaty.

_He's coming back._

Her eyes are glued to the door. The phone rings and she hits voicemail.

_He's coming back._

It opens and suddenly, he's there.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

He can't believe he's been downsized.

He can't believe could not care less.

_He's back.  
_

It'll be tricky. Roy still works downstairs. He doesn't care. He's got a note card that he's been carrying in his briefcase that proves in plain black and "lavender" that Roy's not an issue anymore.

It's over.

_He's back._

He's full of nervous anticipation, for more reasons than one. They're going to watch the footage tonight and it makes him a little nervous. Half the time he forgot the cameras were there. What exactly would they catch? He decided he didn't care.

_He's back._

His heart beats frantically as he rides the elevator. It dings and he takes a deep breath before reaching out and opening the door.

_He's back._

It opens and suddenly, she's there.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

As she hears the door open, Pam fights to keep a straight face. She's sure he can hear her heart beating as she says cheerfully. "Hello. May I help you?"

_Oh my God. How did I live without you for a day - let alone months?_

A smile tugs at the corners of his lips as Jim stares down at her. "Yes. Hi. I'm hoping you can."

_Look at you. You're even more beautiful than I remember._

"Sure." She replies, unable to keep herself from grinning back at him.

_Anything. Just…anything._

"Great. Listen, I seem to have a deep-seated desire to work along side a beet farmer and be managed by an absolute lunatic. Am I in the right place?" He gives her a quizzical look and holds her gaze intensely.

_I'm never leaving again. Understand? Not unless I take you with me._

She nods towards his still vacant desk. "Absolutely. You're in luck. Have a seat."

_Have anything you want. Have me. Please.._

Her cheeks flush crimson. She's mortified. She's sure she almost says it aloud.

"Thanks."

A moment passes, then another. He can't seem to tear his eyes from hers.

He's out of clever things to say. A huge smile blooms over his face as he whispers. "Hi."

"Hey." She gives him an identical look.

"I hear non-congratulations are in order." He says then, wanting to get it out of the way early.

"You hear correctly." She says, her smile faltering a bit.

Maybe it's not a good idea to joke.

"Are you OK?" He asks, his gaze and his voice suddenly serious.

"I am now." She whispers under her breath, her eyes swimming with tears.

He notices the change in her immediately. "Pam?"

"I'm OK. Thanks." She whispers back.

"We have…" He begins.

She nods, not needing him to finish. "I know."

"Later?" He asks hopefully.

"Definitely." She nods.

And that's it. That's all the time they have. Suddenly Michael's out of his office and proclaiming today "Jim Halpert Day" and summoning them all into the conference room.

It's only 11:30 am but it seems that its show time.

As they file in, Jim receives a warm welcome. Of course he does. There is no one who doesn't like Jim. Dwight says he doesn't but Pam's sure that deep down even he's got a soft spot

_Who wouldn't adore you?_ She thinks as she glances at him sideways. _I can't believe I've held out for so long. _

They take chairs side by side. Jim smiles as their shoulders touch. Sitting in such close proximity is actually enough to make his breathing labored.

"Where's the red carpet?" He leans close and whispers in her ear. "Is there even popcorn?"

His breath in her ear makes the hairs on her the back of her neck stand on end.

She leans close and whispers back, "Jim. Please. How easily you forget. It hasn't been that long. We're no frills here at Dunder-Mifflin."

She's so caught up in the fact that he's right next to her, their elbows bumping against each other on the arm rest that she doesn't notice Darryl, Roy and Lonny walking in.

And as they pass Jim reaches for her hand and gives it a quick squeeze. He doesn't let go, but lets their hands fall between them, concealed from the rest of the audience.

"It'll be OK." He says under his breath.

"Promise?" She asks, panic evident in her eyes.

"Promise." He nods as he squeezes her hand again.

Michael gives one of the world's most horrible speeches on record as if for him that's even possible. The producers and director say a few words, much more eloquently. A resounding round of applause goes out to the camera crew as the credits role on _The Office: An American Workplace._

It's not exactly the first episode. It's more of a highlight reel and she's painfully aware that she and Jim must play starring roles. As each frame goes by she catches more and more moments that she tried desperately not to see the first time around.

_Why can't you see what's happening in your own life?_ She can't believe it took her so long.

It's in the way he speaks about her to the camera. It's written all over his face.

_He loves her. He's loved her all this time. _

Jim's eyes are glued to the screen. He's seeing the looks she's been giving him for years. As each frame goes by he catches more and more moments that he'd missed completely the first time around.

_Why do you need reminders of what happens in your own life?_ He can't believe he'd waited so long.

It's in the way she speaks about him to the camera. It's written all over her face.

_She loves him. She's loved him all this time._

After only fifteen minutes, Roy storms out. There's a pang of guilt as she watches him go. She tries to summon the strength to go off after him but she simply can't. Jim's still holding her hand and there's nothing else in the world.

_He loves her. He's loved her all this time. _

He's not going to question a thing. He's just going to sit back and let it happen. He's not going to overanalyze. He's just going to simply enjoy the miracle sitting beside him. There's only one thing he cares about - one thing on his mind.

_She loves him. She's loved him all this time._

She sees him doing what she used to pray for. She sees how he's been taking care of her for years, as she stands by completely oblivious. She knows deep down she's always known it.

_He loves her. He's loved her all this time. _

He sees how jealous she's been. He watches her face on screen at how angry he's made her sometimes. He watches her cry when she talks about her dreams.

He leans down and whispers. "It's not too late you know."

"To what?" She replies, sniffling.

_She loves him. She's loved him all this time._

He squeezes her hand again. "Have those dreams."

_He loves her. He's loved her all this time._

She can't speak so she simply nods.

They sit through the whole thing, knowing now that the inevitable is going to happen. When the credits roll they all stand around the conference room and mingle for a bit.

Angela baked cookies shaped like televisions and video cameras. Kelly's talking about being able to crash parties in Hollywood now. Kevin's wondering if his band will get a record deal out of this.

Pam's head is spinning and about to burst.

She need a minute alone so without really meaning to she moves to the far end of the office, towards a tiny supply closet she forgets is there half the time. She is not at all surprised that when the door closes behind her she's not alone.

There's only a small, dull, unadorned light bulb illuminating the space. The light is so dim, he has to squint to see her, her face is in shadows.

"How many times?" She asks him, not daring to turn around.

"What?" He asks, completely at a loss. He simply needed to talk to her alone - finally. So he took the opportunity and followed her here.

She's still talking. "I used to dream that you would. I still have those dreams. Sometimes you're some sort of superhero, other times, you are just perfectly _you._ All the time, you're saving me from…something."

She turns to face him, tears running down her cheeks. Her voice shakes. "How many other times did you save me when I wasn't looking?"

He wants to say he doesn't know what she means, but he can't.

"Enough." He shrugs.

She can barely move there's so much junk in here but she doesn't care. Her arms brush against his and she sighs. "Thank you." She whispers.

"It's nothing" He shrugs, his heart pounding.

"Jim." She whispers, swaying a bit. "It's not nothing."

"Yeah." Their breath mingles they are so close. She thinks maybe she should stand on a stack of paper. She wonders what it would be like to stare straight into his eyes.

She makes an attempt, but fails. His arms latch around her waist to steady her.

As he touches her she loses all rational train of thought. "I need to ask you a question." She finally manages.

He's too busy staring at her mouth to answer right away. It takes him a full minute.

"Yeah?" He's lost every ounce of his eloquence.

"Are you ever going to kiss me again?" She asks innocently, her eyes already fluttering closed and her hands moving towards his hair.

"I was thinking about it." He replies, infinitely more calmly than he feels.

Her lips briefly bump against his as she says softly. "What's stopping you?"

He pulls back slightly, unsure. "Do you need…" He asks, wanting nothing more than to hear a negative answer. "…more ti…"

"I think time's run out." She shakes her head at him and their lips brush against each other's once more.

It's torture, but the best kind.

His arms tighten around her, and he fights to keep his voice steady. "OK - well. In that case I'm…"

"Oh." She breathes reaching her hand to the back of his neck and pulling his face towards hers. "_Please…_"

He sinks in slowly, savoring, tasting, and losing himself instantly. There is nothing, absolutely nothing he imagined that compares to this.

She rises on her toes and presses herself closer. She knew he had a hell of a mouth. He'd reduced her to a quivering mess with just one smile but what he was doing now was nothing short of heaven on earth.

She was convinced she had actually died and gone there.

"_Jim…_"

She knows there's only once place to go from here but it's not the time - definitely not the place.

"Home?" He asks, his voice shaking.

"Yeah." She nods as her lips seek his again. They're incredibly insistent. It takes him a few moments before he can speak again.

"Mine?" He finally manages.

She pulls back slightly and gives him a look. "Do you still have one?"

His hands run up and down her back making her inch closer to him.

"Yeah. Um…Mark…no new roommate…"

"Good." She breathes as she ducks her head and snuggles closer, resting her cheek on his chest. His heart is pounding so loudly she can feel it.

He holds her tighter, his chin resting on the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her shampoo.

"Now?"

"Yeah. Um…definitely…now."

They make their way out slowly. Jim first, she follows three seconds later. He takes the stairs, she takes the elevator.

And they break fourteen different traffic laws as they race to his house.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: To my beloved MTT-ers. Two words: Confined Spaces. _

_Gah - I'm still all sorts of hot and bothered. Thank nomadshan - dear readers…she's responsible and now you (hopefully) reap the benefits. ;) _

_I've got my fingers crossed that this turned out OK. _

_This one's making me kind of nervous._

**Chapter Ten**

_When you've already waited forever, there's no need to rush. _

She pulls up behind him and he is suddenly scared. She hesitates for a moment after putting the car in park, steadies herself before she opens the door and meets him on the sidewalk.

He gazes down at her and she smiles widely.

And all at once he knows it will all be ok.

He reaches for her hand again and she takes his without hesitation.

At the door to his house he pauses slightly, hoping they would be alone. He realizes then it is still pretty early. Mark won't be home for a while.

"Are you?" He begins.

"Yes." She nods, her voice soft but certain.

He's not convinced. "Because we can…"

"Stop. Jim. I'm through waiting. I've waited too long already." She replies with a shake of her head.

But maybe he hasn't. She suddenly thinks.

She looks up at him, unsure. "I mean - if you're sure you want…"

_Was she kidding?_ He reaches out and slides a hand over her hair, his thumb running along the line of her jaw.

"Oh yeah. I want."

She blows out a breath. "OK. Then let's…"

He nods and swallows audibly. His hands shake as he turns the key in the lock.

"Yeah. Let's..."

_She has pictured this moment forever, but never quite like this. _

They stand in the living room for what seemed like hours.

At last, she moves, calmly shrugging her raincoat off. It falls to the floor with a swoosh.

He stares deeply into her eyes as he drops his briefcase.

She smiles slightly and leans a hand on the edge of the couch, kicking off her heels so she is suddenly two inches shorter.

"C'mere." He whispers as he reaches for her hand.

She walks towards him, a smile tugging at her lips, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Pam. We don't have to…" He says softly as she stands just inches away.

She shakes her head and threads her fingers in his hair, dragging his mouth down to meet hers.

"Yeah. We do…"

_He'd never thought of his bedroom as anything special. It was simply a place to sleep. _

"Pam." He breathes as he watches her.

She tugs the clip from her hair and lets it fall about her shoulders. She walks past him and sits on the edge of the bed.

He eases his shoes off and moves towards her, stopping in front of her and kneeling so he's looking right into her eyes. Her fingers tentatively reach out to brush a lock of his hair off his forehead.

"Jim…"

He leans forward slightly, now just millimeters away. "I just…"

She touches a finger to his lips as her hand fists in his shirt and pulls him closer. "It's OK…"

His mouth brushes hers. "I don't want…"

"Well I _do_ want..." She tightens her hold. "Actually. I **need** you to…"

It's all he needs to hear. He closes the distance between them and whispers. "OK…"

"OK." She replies as she sighs into his mouth.

_Just when you think everything's going according to plan…_

His fingers fumble with the buttons on her blouse, her hands tremble as she pulls his shirttails from his waistband. He moves over her, onto her and she shifts beneath him.

He tries to shrug his shirt off but it catches on his wrist. He braces himself on his elbow and only succeeds in trapping her hair under his arm.

"Ouch." She winces.

"Hold on…" He says, exasperated.

She gazes up at him, watching as his brow furrows in concentration.

"Do you need help?" She giggles as she watches him.

"I got it." He sits up and shakes his arm violently.

"Are you sure? Doesn't look like it." She replies, still laughing.

"I got it." He mutters, clenching his teeth.

"Uh huh." She pulls herself up to rest on her elbows and smiles.

He finally frees himself and stares down at her. "Are you mocking me, Beesly?"

"Never." She tries to keep a straight face.

He grins as he eases back down, her laugh silenced by his lips.

Her head falls back onto his pillow, her body becomes lax under his.

His hands are suddenly…everywhere.

"Why…" She breathes as she lifts her hips to help him slip her skirt off. She clumisly reaches for his belt as she sighs deeply.

"What?" He murmurs against her neck.

She can't remember what she just asked him for a few long seconds."…why…umm…did we wait so long?"

He eases back slightly and gazes into her eyes. "Wasn't…time…yet."

_When you finally get what you want, most times you're also disappointed. _

_This wasn't one of those times._

There's nothing else.

Just her.

Just him.

The taste of her skin, the feel of his hands. Lips skimming, hands sliding, limbs tangling.

A mishmash, a jumble, a living, breathing concoction of absolute perfection.

_At last._

As they move together their eyes lock and they think it should be funny.

_It's Pam._

_It's Jim. _

But it's not. And in a split second they now know that everything has changed forever.

Strangely enough, the world hasn't ended.

The sheets tangle, the quilt slips to the end of the bed and onto the floor. He's holding her as she shivers beneath him.

He rolls onto his side, taking her with him. Her head fits perfectly beneath his chin. Her body fits perfectly next to his. It's almost as if she's always been with him. Those years, those days they lived apart seem to have never even exisited.

The sun sets. The room darkens. Shadows are cast on their faces, a tear slips from her eye and he bends his head to kiss it away.

It's finally over. It's finally beginning. It's everything they've ever imagined and more.

Just…_more._

_There's a place between dreams and reality where they were both sure they now resided._

They drift in and out of consciousness. She's acutely aware of everything around her.

The lumpy mattress, the sheets that smell of spring, the sharpness of his hipbones…

He can't see or feel anything but her. The way her hair is just like silk and smells just like summer. There's a sound she makes, deep in her throat when his mouth skims close to her ear…

There's no doubt this has changed things. There's no doubt nothing will ever be the same.

There's no place else either one of them would rather be.

She curls into him, his arms tighten.

She wants to climb right into his skin.

He wants to let her.

Despite their worst fears, there's absolutely no doubt that this is how it should be.

_None at all._


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: For people who can't stand morning breath. ;) and who like hot chocolate._

**Chapter Eleven**

His hand reaches out and feels the space beside him empty.

And he panics.

_Did I just imagine this? Was I dreaming?_ He's half conscious and is having trouble focusing. _Because it could very well have been a dream._

He sits up and opens his eyes slowly. He tries to clear his head and it's then he can hear something.

He thinks it's gargling.

She walks back into the room, wearing his shirt and she looks simply adorable. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and stops short when she sees he's awake.

"Hey." She smiles, twisting the edge of the shirt in her hand.

"Hey." He looks at her, his eyes filled with amusement. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." She shrugs and sits down on the bed beside him. Despite the fact that she spent the night wrapped in his arms she finds herself keeping her distance.

_How does this work?_ She thinks desperately. _I have no idea what to do next._

"Where've you been?" He prods, trying to calm her. She looks nervous. He doesn't want her to be.

"Bathroom." She says meekly. "I…um…borrowed some of your mouthwash."

"Borrowed?" He laughs. "Pam. Please keep it. Pretty sure I don't want it back now."

She blinks and then looks down at her lap. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah." He nods his laughter fading. "I know what you mean."

It's awkward, suddenly. He hates that it's awkward. He treads softly, wanting to put her at ease, afraid that she might run off after all, based on the way she's sitting there, looking petrified.

"Look at me for a second." He nudges her gently. Her head snaps up like a deer in headlights. He reaches out and runs a hand over her cheek.

"Are you OK?"

She leans her face into his palm without even realizing it. She closes her eyes and nods.

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Though her hand reaches up to cover his she doesn't sound sure.

Despite his efforts, it's not getting any less awkward. "Not having second thoughts are you?"

He takes a breath, holds it, afraid of her response to his question.

Her heart begins to pound as she stares up at him. "Are you?"

"Not especially." He forces a smile.

She relaxes just slightly and sighs. "I…"

He wants to hear her answer, even though he's nervous. If they're going to do this, he wants to start off on the right foot. It's been too many years of not saying anything. Now he feels the need to say it all – to hear it all.

"What?" His finger hooks under her chin and he makes her meet his eyes. "Pam – c'mon. Talk to me."

She takes a breath, pushes it out in a whoosh. Her voice sounds desperate when she answers. "What do I do now?"

"What!" Now he's confused.

All at once she's talking a mile a minute. "I don't do this. I mean, I've never done this - at least not this way." Her hands start to flutter and her face is flushed. "Are there some sort of rules or…something? I mean. What happens next? Am I supposed to leave? Do you want me to stay?"

She looks overwhelmed - as if she's about to burst into tears. "Am I supposed to make you breakfast? Is it bad that I just used your mouthwash? I mean – I think it's yours. Oh God. Maybe it's Mark's. If it is I hope he doesn't mind. Because I just kept thinking – ew – morning breath…and I didn't want you to think…"

He silences her with a kiss, a laugh caught in his throat as the strong taste and tingle of said mouthwash hits his tongue.

Her hands stop fluttering and come to rest on the sides of his face. She holds his chin in her hand, keeping his mouth on hers.

_Definitely dreaming._ He thinks with a sigh. _Please. Don't wake me up._

His arm curls around her and he can feel her trembling. He pulls her closer and she sinks against him.

"Are you going to let me try and answer at least one of those questions?" He asks as he reluctantly pulls away.

"Please." She nods, resting her forehead on his.

"There are a lot of options as to what we do next – but you leaving is not one of them. I definitely, **_definitely_** want you to stay."

"OK." She nods.

"We can eat breakfast later. I don't expect you to make it for me. We could go out if you want, because I'm pretty sure all that's downstairs is some three month old Cap'n Crunch and some **_very_** questionable milk."

He kisses her quickly and is secretly thankful. "The mouthwash is mine. Help yourself. And I'm glad to see you're meticulous about dental hygiene. I should have told you during the application process. It's one of my requirements." He chuckles as his mouth touches hers again.

He kisses her and even as he does he can't believe it. He's allowed to do that now. She _lets_ him do that now. Now – it seems - he can kiss her whenever he wants.

_So **this** is how it works._ She sighs into his mouth and tugs at his hair, pulling him closer. _I can get used to this._

He can still feel her shaking a bit and rushes to reassure her. "We can do this you know." He says softly as she shifts and buries her face in his shoulder. His hand runs up and down her back. "I know it's a little bit weird but I don't think it's going to be _that_ much different."

"Speak for yourself." She giggles against his neck, the feel of her breath on his skin giving him goose bumps. "There is **_no_** way I am going to be able to sit across from you and not remember…this."

He smiles widely and holds her closer. "I should have warned you. I can be **_very_** distracting."

"Tell me about it." She sighs again as she finally begins to relax. "God, Jim. You have **_no_** idea how nervous I was about this."

"Yeah. You hid it really well." He replies, completely deadpan.

She pulls back and gives him a look. He's seen that look before.

He runs a hand through her hair to try and get back on her good side. There really are so many things he wants to know. His gaze and voice become serious. "Are you really OK?"

"Yeah." She smiles.

"Do you want to tell me…" He hates that he needs to ask, but he does.

"Sure." She nods, knowing what he's asking. She reaches out and takes his hand in hers, subconsciously needing to steady herself.

"In the end it was easier than I thought it would be, actually." She begins her voice quivering a bit. "The decision was kind of made for me."

She looks up at him apologetically, because she knows it's not what he wants to hear exactly.

"A pipe burst at the VA Hall and we had to postpone the wedding."

He blinked in surprise and felt a twinge of disappointment. He had hoped he'd actually been the reason.

"Really?" Is all he can manage.

"Yeah. And – I knew it was a sign. I mean - I really knew before then but it was so hard, Jim…"

He gives her hand a squeeze. He wishes he didn't understand but he does. "I know."

"I almost died. Really. When you left I was – it was…" She takes a deep breath and tries to continue. "It was like part of me walked out the door with you. And that sounds so sappy and soap opera-y but it's really the truth."

It's difficult but she makes her eyes meet his. "I dreamt about you that night."

"Really?" He raises his eyebrows, intrigued. _Now this is more like it._

She nods and smiles shyly. "We were like…together. You woke me up - brought me hot chocolate in bed."

Not exactly the steamy dream he'd hoped she had about him. "That's it?" He asks, confused.

She doesn't catch his tone of voice right away. "Yeah. It was…really sweet and also kind of shocking. I mean – it wasn't the first dream I've ever had about you – but it was the first one like…that."

"So much I didn't know about you Beesly. I mean - these are your fantasies? Hot chocolate?" He shakes his head and laughs.

She stares at him, her mouth gaping open. "It was the Swiss Miss thing – remember? And it's not like all we did was drink cocoa. You **_did_** kiss me awake." She says defensively.

"Uh huh." He laughs louder.

She gets angrier by the second. She inches away from him and folds her arms across her chest. "You keep this up and I'm not going to tell you about the other one I had. The one where we went at it in the office – ripping each other's clothes off - right there on your desk…"

He stops laughing and knows without question that he would never look at his workspace the same way again. "Now you're talking. **_There's_** something I want to hear more about."

It was going to cost her, but it served him right. Here she was trying to share how she came to choose him and all he was doing was making fun of her.

She sighs as if she's incredibly bored. "I was really surprised. It was actually quite disappointing. It was only when your face morphed into Dwight's that things got interesting..."

His stomach turned as he stared at her. "Oh. You **_so_** don't play fair."

_You are perfect. So incredibly perfect. I can't believe I've gotten this lucky._

"Oh. You **_so_** shouldn't mock me." She glared at him, trying to suppress her smile.

_How did I ever think I could live without you?_

"C'mon, Pam. Give me a chance to redeem myself." He pleads softly, his hands reaching out to uncross her arms.

_I've been waiting forever for this._

"Why should I?" She pouts. "Give me one good reason."

_Or three…or four…_

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you more than one." He leans in and touches his lips right near her ear as he whispers. "One…"

_I can't believe we've been denying ourselves for so long._

"Stop it." She protests, incredibly weakly.

_Don't you **dare** stop._

His hands move to the buttons of the shirt she wears, gently pushing the fabric off her shoulders. "Two…" His mouth brushes hers.

_Want to challenge me Beesly? You're not the only one who doesn't play fair. _

"You're going to need to try a little harder." She sighs and rolls her eyes a bit.

_If this is your idea of payback you won't get an argument from me._

"Three…" His hands grip her hips and he pulls her down to lay beside him. He hovers above her and her words belie her actions as her mouth opens under his. He takes full advantage, kissing her incredibly thoroughly.

"OK. Those are pretty good reasons." She finally says as her lips curve into a smile. She pulls back for a moment and gazes up at him.

"We can actually do this." She whispers, her voice tinged with such awe that it makes him catch his breath.

"Yeah." He can't even fathom the alternative anymore. "We can…"

"I was scared that…I mean…I wasn't really sure…" She admits as her hands reach up rest on the back of his neck, her fingers threading lightly through his hair.

"Me either." He lies grinning widely. He'd suspected this all along.

To prove his point, his hands suddenly become busy. "Four…"

Taken completely by surprise, she bucks underneath him.

"But – oh!" She's blind for a second, and incapable of rational thought. "Um – I think this…um…just might work."

"I think…you might…be right." He says breathlessly.

And as he predicted- just that easily, he's lost in her again.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: And they lived happily ever after…_

**Chapter Twelve**

**Epilogue**

_**He was absolutely incorrigible.**_

"Go away." She says, laughter filling her voice. "Jim, I'm serious!"

He rests his head against the closed door, laughing back at her. "C'mon. Pam, please? Just let me look at you one more time."

"Too late, my friend. You are out of luck. I'm already dressed." She rests her hand against the door, unknowingly mirroring his hand on the other side. "You better get out of here. I'm serious. My mom's going to kick your ass if she catches you."

"I can take her." He smiles widely. "I'm a lavender belt."

Her voice lowers sympathetically. "Are you still sad we didn't invite Dwight? 'Cause we can call him. I know you still have his cell number from that time when we prank called him..."

"You say that like it was a one time occurrence." He rolls his eyes. "Beesly, c'mon. I think it's you who wants him here. Is it because secretly you've harbored a crush on him all these years? Are you having second thoughts?"

"Never. Not in a million years." Her voice becomes soft and serious. "Check your jacket pocket." She whispers.

He blinks. "What?"

"Just check it. On the left side." She prods him.

Jim's hand moves to slip inside and he touches something round and circular. He pulls it out of his pocket and twirls it around in his fingers. A smile tugs his lips as he sees what it is, a sterling silver poker chip.

He rubs his thumb over the face of it and realizes it's been engraved. His vision blurs as he reads the inscription.

_I'm all in, always. Love, Pam_

"Pam." He whispers, tears swimming in his eyes.

"I love you." She says sweetly, knowing without even seeing his face, exactly how she's gotten to him. It serves him right, she thinks as her hand runs over the strand of pearls at her neck, a little gift he'd gone and surprised her with last night.

"God." He stares at the chip again and then at the door. It takes him a minute to find his voice. "Yeah. I- um - I love you too."

"I'll see you in a few minutes. Go on. Get out of here. I promise you it'll be worth the wait." He can hear the smile in her voice.

A few minutes seems like hours to him at this point. His hand moves to grab the doorknob when he hears someone clearing their throat loudly. His turns towards the sound and sees Pam's mother standing a few feet away and giving him a scolding look.

"Don't worry. I'm going Mrs. B." He says sheepishly, hanging his head a bit.

"You'd better." She tries to look stern but can't help herself from smiling back at him.

As he walks past her he stops and bends down to press a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you." He whispers as he pulls away.

"What for?" She looks at him quizzically.

"For her. For making me the luckiest man alive." He says, solemnly, taking a deep breath and giving her a nod. "Just…thank you."

She presses a hand to her heart as she watches him go. She moves towards the door and sighs as she whispers. "She's the lucky one."

_**It seems his life is in severe danger.**_

Pam's threatened to kill him five times today.

She grips his hand so tightly, he's afraid she's broken every single finger.

"What else are you going to do?" She barks at him. "That is no where near enough to make up for this!"

He's already agreed to bring her breakfast in bed until the next millennium, do the laundry until he turns sixty and change every single diaper until the baby is out of them.

"Pam." He says wearily, afraid that he's going to permanently lose circulation on his left side. "Whatever you want. Just tell me. I'll do it."

No one explained it would be like this. None of the books they'd read prepared them in the least.

"Jim." She sobs and loosens her death grip on him.

"Yeah." He whispers, leaning down to place a kiss on her brow.

"I'm really scared." She says her voice shaking.

"Me too." He admits.

Nature takes pity on them and it doesn't take much longer. Soon, just like the books predicted, the ordeal is all but forgotten.

He never thought he could be more in love than he already was.

But now he realizes, as they place his daughter in his arms, that anything is possible.

_**She always knew he'd be good at this.**_

"Did you get the train set running?" She says with a yawn, one hand resting on the small of her back, the other on her swollen stomach.

He looks completely frazzled. "Yeah. Finally. Seriously. Where are the elves when you need them?"

An image of one elf in particular fills her mind as she smiles widely. "You really don't want me answer that do you?"

"Um. No." He replies, reconsidering. "Never mind."

"What about the easel? Did you remember to put the paints out when you set it under the tree?"

The fact that their daughter seems to have inherited her mother's amazing talent had Jim in a constant state of wonder. That and the fact that she looked exactly like Pam made him smile just thinking about her.

"Yes. She's going to love it." He whispered as he leans down to kiss her quickly.

He follows her to the bedroom and helps her settle down on the mattress. "Not much longer huh?" He says softly as his hand rubs a small circle on her belly. He's rewarded with a particularly strong kick. "Ooo. Ouch! OK. That's gotta hurt."

"Tell me about it buddy." She mutters as she glares at him, but even so her hand covers his and she sighs.

She stares at the ceiling for a moment and can tell he's still awake. She turns to look at him and laughs loudly.

"I cannot even believe you. You are as bad as the kids." She says with a shake of her head.

"Just give me one hint." He pleads. "Is it a new TV?"

"No." She says, her voice definite.

"That new video game? You know that would be as much a gift for Jimmy as it would be for me."

"Stop using your son as an excuse Jim." She scolded him. "And I'm still not telling you."

"If you don't tell me – I won't be able to sleep." He says in all seriousness.

"Sorry to hear it." She replies groggily, not having that issue at all.

_**She can't stop laughing at him.**_

Pam leans on the kitchen counter and watches him closely. "Jim. We've been through this twice before. I don't understand why you're such a nervous wreck."

"It's different. She's the last one. Hey. Did you pack her lunchbox?" He asks as his eyes dart wildly around the kitchen.

"Yes. She's all set. Ham and cheese on whole wheat – but I went all crazy and cut it into quarters." She laughs as she continues. "She's also got carrot sticks and red Jell-O and because it's the first day, a grape juice box. The Halpert standard."

"I can't believe she's already five." He sighs and looks at her wearily.

"I can't believe you are such a softie." She whispers as she moves towards him, making him stop and take a deep breath as she turns him to face her. "You knew this would happen. Jim - they're all going to grow up sometime." She says as her mouth touches his.

"Yeah." He says with a nod as he kisses her back. "But I don't have to like it."

_**They say things always come full circle. **_

He paces at the back of the church. He catches her eye and blows out a breath.

"Hi." He looks up quickly and then stares at the floor again.

He looks so distinguished in his tux it makes her smile.

"Hey." She says softly. "You OK?"

"No." He shakes his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking. "I should have told him no when he asked me."

She places a hand on the side of his face and makes him meet her eyes. "_Jim_."

"She's too young." He protests.

She rises on her toes and kisses him quickly. "She's twenty-seven."

"He's too…" He tries again.

"What?" She asks, her eyes dancing with laughter.

He knows the real reason. He gazes down and her and finally admits the truth. "I'm just not ready to let her go yet."

She knows what he means. She's not exactly ready herself. But she sees things a little differently than he does. He's always been a sucker for his little girls.

"Well luckily we have two daughters. Think of this time as a warm up."

She can see he's still struggling and decides to try a different tactic. "Remember the day we got married? Remember how happy we were? How happy we are now?"

As he gazes at her now, he's struck at how beautiful she is. It's like all these years haven't even touched her at all. He runs a finger over the line of her jaw. "Yes." He nods.

She kisses him again to make her point. "He's perfect for her – like you're perfect for me. She's going to be this happy too. Jim how could you possibly deny her something as wonderful as that?"

It's enough of a reminder to have resigning himself to the inevitable. "I can't."

His takes his hand out of his pocket holds his poker chip in his fist. Just the weight of it in his palm calms him immensely.

"You'll be OK now?" Pam whispers as she smiles at their son, tall and handsome and so much like his father. He's standing at the end of the aisle, waiting to take her to her seat.

"I'll be OK." He says, hoping it will be true.

"Love you." She whispers as she reaches for his free hand and gives it a squeeze.

"Love you too." He says softly holding the chip tighter.

As he watches her go he's struck with a realization. It's the moments like these they hold onto. All those little pockets of time through the years that have shaped them and made them what they are today.

Some weren't so easy to live through, but he knows one thing for certain.

If he had known back then what he knew now, if he had only known that this amazing life they shared was what the result would be, he would have known long ago that all their struggles were more than worth it.


End file.
